Published on June 19, 2008

friend

I’m at the age where it’s getting harder to make new friends. The lucky people have their good friends, the luckier ones have whom they would consider as best friends. I…

“I have many friends,” I tell myself.

I know a lot of people through many occasions but I couldn’t help but to feel jealous when I hear the word ‘good friend’ because I couldn’t think of any one that would regard me as ‘good friend’. Of course this is all relative, I have friends who I chat online once a year greeting me as “hey good friend”. But in my standards, I don’t think I am their ‘good friend’.

So it all goes back to primary school where you have a couple of good friends and for some strange egoistic reason you can actually be darn proud of it. As I grow older, the number of people whom I consider as good friends dropped to perhaps three. Or four. Okay three.

It become a lot of acquaintances, many friends and a couple of good friends. I struggle to keep friends. I just don’t have the ability to keep friends. Once I don’t communicate with people on the phone or in real life, it just drifts apart. It matters little that we could still meet up and we can hahaha together about good old times. My mind is just constantly injected with the possibility that things aren’t the same as before. And I just don’t feel this friendship somehow. Like it degraded into an acquaintanceship.

And then I start pondering, asking and asking myself why. Why am I this way? Are others the same? Do they have good friends? What do they think of me? Are they using me? Am I important to them? Why don’t I have someone to consider as a ‘best friend’?

You see, if I were to draw a graph, it would be a flattened bell curve. Meaning that I know many people but I have few close friends and few enemies. It’s bothering me a lot more since the beginning of this year. I keep thinking but I never gotten answers.

This insecurity affects me when I communicate with would-be good friends. It felt unnatural and sometimes it feels like I am trying too hard.

What should I do, what can I do?

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